Christine XIX:Demons

“Boy, I guess you did need this diaper last night,” the day nurse exclaimed when she began cleaning me up at 7 the next morning. “You’d better get into the shower before breakfast comes. Did you sleep well?”
“Not bad,” I lied, “at least for being away from home.”
“Well you certainly slept well enough to saturate this diaper.”
“Did you ever stop to think that it’s kinda tough to go to the toilet when you’ve got a diaper on?” I snarled. I was in, if you’ll pardon the expression, a very pissy mood and in no condition to take any crap from some high and mighty nursing student.
“You’ve got a point,” she answered. “At any rate you’d better get your shower before breakfast. Here’s a fresh pair of underpants and a clean hospital gown to put on when you come out.”

“Where’s Tony?” I questioned when I’d had my shower. I had to admit that I felt better, and much more sociable.
“He’s gone downstairs for therapy,” the nurse replied. “He goes every weekday from eight till noon. But no matter, you’re gonna be far too busy to bother about Tony or anyone else for that matter. You’ve got a doctor’s appointment in a half hour so you’d better eat up.”

I was kept busy all day, seeing various doctors and going to clinics to have blood tests, interviews with just about everyone in the hospital. I didn’t get back to my room until almost four in the afternoon, and the ward was deserted except for my visitors: Mom and Dad, and Gail. We talked for a while, and then I pulled Gail aside and asked her how she was doing. She was fine, she said, but she never wanted to see her father again. “That don’t seem to be a problem,” she added. “He’s leaving town. I think he’s afraid he’s gonna go to jail for messing with Judy, so he’s just leaving. Good riddance, I say.”

We didn’t get a chance to discuss the matter any further, which was fine with both Gail and me. As the mood continued sliding toward a real depression, Tony came bouncing into the ward, his smile as bright as always. His perfectly white teeth almost glowed in contrast to his black lips, and the whites of his eyes were equally bright against the deep brown pupils and the black face that surrounded them. As soon as he saw I had visitors the smile washed from his face and he turned to go to his own bed. “It’s ok, Tony,” I called, “I want you to meet my family.”

The smile came back to his face as quickly as it had left. He came over without hesitation and greeted Gail and my folks, showing more manners than I would have expected, considering how much chance he’d had to learn any. “Hey,” I said as I suddenly noticed, “you’re dressed.”
“Uh-huh,” he said as he grinned widely. “Dr. Reynolds took my catheter out today. I told him if a diaper is good enough for you, it’s good enough for me. I gotta wear ‘em all the time for a while, but I don’t mind long as I get to move around more.”
“Dr. Reynolds is your doctor?” mom questioned.
“Yes, Ma’am,” he said as he beamed. “I like Dr. Reynolds. He’s the one that’s been keepin’ me in the hospital.”
“Keeping you here?”
“I’ll explain later, Mom,” I said, hoping to save Tony any embarrassment.

We had a good visit, and I know Tony had won the hearts of all present, just as he’d done to me the night before. He really was a great little guy, but I think the one who liked him more than anyone else was Gail. “He’s really cute,” she whispered to me as I was walking them to the door.
“Yea,” I agreed, “He is, isn’t he?”
“No, Christine,” she said. “I mean REALLY cute!”
“You like him? I mean...”
“DUHHHH! Now you’re getting it. Yes, I REALLY like him.”
“Well there’s some things you’ve gotta know first.”

When My folks finally left the hospital, all three were in tears. I had told them what Tony had told me the night before, and how Dr. Reynolds was trying to keep him in the hospital even though there was no good reason until he could get some evidence against Tony’s parents so he could be removed from the home permanently. “That’s why the fact that he’s got the catheter out isn’t really good news for Tony,” I told them. “If he’s healed enough that he can wear a diaper, there’s no reason to keep him here any longer. He has no control at all now. I can just imagine what they’ll do to him at home with no control, considering what they did when he was only wetting at night. And they wouldn’t let him wear a diaper at all.”
“Damn!” Dad said. “There must be something someone can do.”

When Dr. Reynolds finally showed up at 7, he had Josh with him. “I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner,” Josh said as we hugged. “I had some errands I had to run, and then I couldn’t find a way to get here.”
“It’s ok,” I said. “I was busy most of the day anyway. But you’re here now and that’s all that counts.”
“What in the world are you doing in a boy’s ward?” the doctor demanded. “I ordered a private room for you.”
“They told me there were no rooms available right now,” I answered. “I guess some kid that was supposed to go home by now didn’t, so they put me in here.”
“Well at least they could’ve put you in a girls’ ward. I’ll see about getting you moved right away.”
“Please don’t?” I said.

Josh shot me a look that was... was what? Surprise? Shock? Disapproval? I didn’t know, but there was no mistaking the fact that he gave me a strange look. “I don’t understand, Christine,” Dr. Reynolds said. I barely heard him because Josh and I had got into one of those staring games, each trying, and failing, to read the other’s face.
“It’s Tony,” I answered absently. “He and I have kinda hit it off, and I think he was pretty lonely before. I’d rather stay here long as he’s here.”
“Ah, yes, little Tony,” the doctor said with a smile. “He’s captured your heart too huh?”
“Yes, sir,” I said. Now the look I was getting from Josh was seriously questioning my intentions. Finally I realized what he must’ve been thinking. “Not THAT kinda ‘captured my heart,’” I said quickly. “I’m kinda like a big brother to him.”
“BROTHER?” Josh questioned. “Brother? Not SISTER?”

The realization of what I’d said was as much a shock to me as it was to Josh. I had indeed said BROTHER, as easily and smoothly as if it were perfectly natural. Well, maybe it WAS natural for me. After all, I was at this moment sitting on the edge of my bed in a boys’ ward, wearing a pair of boy’s briefs and boy’s pajamas, and it hadn’t bothered me in the least. “Well, I have other patients to see,” Dr. Reynolds announced. “You two can visit till I finish, then I’ll come get you, Josh.”
“Ok Dad,” Josh said as he glanced sideways. And then we were alone.

“What’s going on?” Josh asked.
“I dunno what you mean, Josh. If you’re talking about Tony, he’s just a lonely little kid that’s had a pretty rough time and needed a friend.”
“So you’ve become his big BROTHER?”
“Sorry about that, it just slipped out. I really don’t know why I said it except that I’m pretty well stuck with acting like a boy long as I’m on this ward.”
“But my dad said he’d get you moved and you didn’t want to.”
“Because of Tony, Josh. He could be goin’ home any day now, and I want to help him all I can while he’s here.”
“Are you startin’ to change your mind about the operation?” There was that look again. The weirdest expression I’d ever seen on Josh’s face. What in the world did it mean?

“No, Josh,” I replied, and I meant it.

I think.

“Maybe I’m just enjoying being a boy one last time. I dunno really... it’s just... well, your dad can tell you about it, but Tony has had it pretty rough.”
“My dad never tells me anything about his patients. He says it wouldn’t be right.”
“Well then I’ll tell you.” But before I could even start, Tony himself showed up and wanted to meet my friend. “This is my boyfriend,” I explained. “Tony, this is Josh. He’s Dr. Reynolds’ son. Josh, this is Tony.”
“You’re Christine’s boyfriend?” Tony said with the innocence of an eight year old. “Does that mean you’re gay?”
“NO!” Josh shot back. And there was that look again. He shot a look at me... a sort of pleading look, as if asking me to confirm what he’d just stated.
“Remember what I told you, Tony?” I reminded him. “I mean, that I’m really a girl only with boy parts?”
“Oh yeah,” he said. “Guess I forgot. It’s still kinda hard to imagine anyone with boy parts WANTING to be a girl, when I’m gonna be a girl even though I really don’t want to.”

When Josh’s dad came back to get him, I walked them to the end of the ward and kissed Josh without shame, without even thinking about who may or may not be watching. “I’ll tell ya about Tony tomorrow,” I promised. “What time will you be here?”
“I dunno,” he answered. “Probably after lunch, if that’s ok?” he looked at his father.
“Christine has a pretty heavy schedule,” the doctor answered. “She’ll probably be busy at least until two.”
“Ok, I’ll be here at two,” Josh said. “I’ll get Mom to drive me. ‘Night, Christine, I love you.”
“I love you too, Josh,” I answered. We kissed again, and the kiss was punctuated by that same look. It was sort of a distant look, as if Josh were looking right through me... at what?

“What’s it like?” Tony asked when we were all ready for bed and settled in for the night. He had padded over to my bed and crawled in with me. “I mean, what’s it like bein’ a girl?”
“I’m not sure what you mean, Tony,” I said. “I mean, I like it ‘cause it just makes me feel more natural. I guess that isn’t the case with you, but it has its good points.”
“Like what?”
“Well, like all the pretty clothes and things that girls wear, and not havin’ to be good at sports and boys always bein’ nice to ya, things like that.”
“I can forget the pretty clothes part,” he said ruefully. “In my neighborhood girls don’t really dress any different than boys. And boys won’t be very nice to me when they find out I can’t do the... well, the sex things that other girls do.”
“But you’re only eight,” I argued. “Surely girls your age don’t...”
“Most of ‘em do,” he replied. “In my neighborhood most of the girls are doin’ it by the time they’re six or seven, whether they want to or not.”

It took me a few moments to digest what Tony had just told me. I could certainly see his point. I had lived the past two years as a girl without the proper equipment, and my biggest problem was just being SEEN. Tony, it appeared, would have to deal with a lot more than just being seen. “That wasn’t really what I meant anyway,” Tony said. “I meant, what’s it like havin’ to sit down to pee all the time? Or did you do that?”
“Yeah, I did it,” I answered. “I didn’t have to, but I was using girls’ washrooms so I thought it only right that I do what the other girls were doing.”
“Dr. Reynolds told me I’d have to make up my mind really soon about whether they’re gonna change it so I have to sit down,” he told me. “I dunno what to do.”

Now I was confused. “But I thought you would have to anyway, I mean, if you don’t have a... a penis?”
“Not really. They haven’t changed that part. I still have a tiny thing where my dick used to be. The doctor told me I could get used to usin’ it if I wanted, or they could move it to the bottom if I wanted. But once they move it, I’ll always have to sit down to pee. I dunno what to do”
“Can I see?” The question came from nowhere, but I realized with horror that it had come out of my mouth. I tried desperately to think of some way to take it back, but of course there was none.
“Sure,” he said. Then before I’d had a chance to stop him, Tony was yanking at the tapes of his diaper and opening it. He threw back the sheets and I found myself staring at Tony’s crotch. There was indeed a bit of a stub there, hardly long enough to get hold of, but the doctors had told him they could make it a little longer if he wanted and teach him how to use it. They had also told him that it was possible to actually rebuild a penis, but that sort of surgery was very expensive and therefore probably out of the question for Tony.

He opened his legs wide and pointed with his finger to where they would move his pee hole if he so chose. “I guess that’s what they’re gonna do to you, huh?” he asked.
“Yeah, I guess so,” I answered.
“Can I see yours?” Tony asked. “Please?”

I don’t know why, but for the first time in my life, at least with someone my own age, I wasn’t the least self conscious. Without answering, I began undoing the tapes to my diaper and laid the front down between my legs as Tony had done. Tony looked at my tiny wee-wee with an expression on his face that could only be called longing. He didn’t ask if he could touch it, he just did. The touch of his hand on my most personal place had the inevitable effect. I immediately started to get hard. “I used to love bein’ touched too,” he said. “Do you ever play with it?”
“No,” I answered. “I never liked it. All I ever wanted was for it to be gone.”
“Too bad,” he said dreamily. “You got a really nice one.”

“Can you feel anything when you touch yours?” I asked.
“I dunno,” he answered. “Until the last few days it’s been so sore I haven’t tried. You can touch it if you like, long as you’re careful.” I did, and the shudder that coursed through Tony’s body was ample evidence that he did indeed still have some feeling in what was left of his penis. “Maybe they can fix it,” I suggested.
“Can’t,” he said. “It costs too much.”
“Won’t Social Services pay for it?” I asked innocently.
“Nahh. They won’t pay for nothin’ they don’t have to.”

We helped each other put our diapers back on, then pulled the sheets back over us and just lay there thinking. “You and Josh do stuff together?” Tony asked. “I mean, you know, touch and play an’ stuff?”
“No,” I answered. “No one has ever touched me there before, except for doctors and stuff. What about you?”
“Once or twice one of my friends and I fooled around. It was nice. You oughta try it... er... oh yeah, I forgot, you’re not gonna have one in a couple days. I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok,” I said. “But you can touch me again if you like, I mean, before my operation.”
“Really? You don’t mind?”
“No,” I heard myself saying, “I kinda like it.” Tony didn’t need any further encouragement. He slipped his hand inside my diaper and just manipulated me, fondled me, rolling the head of my penis between his fingers, pulling the foreskin back and then forward again. It felt really weird, in a wonderful sort of way, to have someone else touching me there.

I was done with my various appointments by noon on Tuesday morning, and so was Tony. He was undergoing rather intense therapy, hoping to help him regain control of his bladder. In the meantime he was wearing a diaper full time and not the least ashamed. He was so pleased to be rid of that catheter I think he would have gone around naked if that’s what it took. “I’m goin’ down to see Ben after lunch,” he said to me as we sat on our beds and ate. “You wanna come?”
“Who’s Ben?” I asked idly.
“He’s a guy I met in here. He’s been in hospital for almost five months now. He’s really cool. So you wanna come?”
“Sure, I’ll come,” I said as I finished off my dessert. This was to be the last day I would get solid food until some time after the surgery.

Tony led me down the hall to a private room and inside. “Hi, Ben,” he said cheerily. “I brought my new friend. This is Christine.”

“Hi, Ben,” I said as I stuck out my hand. Ben took the hand weakly and we shook. He was ten years old, with short red hair, and I mean fiery red. He had lost it all during his last chemo session and it was just growing back. I learned later that they had stopped all chemo treatments because it simply wasn’t working. It’s tough to tell if he was bigger or smaller than me, but I knew for a fact that he was lighter. He looked as if he’d been starved for at least a year. His face was drawn, there were circles under his eyes, and he was very obviously in pain. There was an IV drip running and one of those blood pressure and pulse monitor machines. Every bone in his body was clearly visible under his skin. But still he seemed really cheerful and genuinely pleased to see Tony and me.

“Ben’s from Charlotte,” Tony explained. “He don’t get many visitors so he and I kinda hang out. You havin’ a good day today, Ben?”
“Not bad,” Ben answered. “They got me pretty drugged up so I don’t feel much of anything.”
“I got my catheter out,” Tony said proudly.
“That mean you’ll be leaving soon?” Ben asked. I could tell he wasn’t really thrilled with that prospect.
“Not till I can go without a diaper. They’re workin’ with me helping me to get control so I don’t pee all the time. Hey! Did you know Christine is a girl, but she’s got boy parts? That’s why she’s in here, to get ‘em cut off and made into girl parts.”
“WOW. Really?”
“That’s right,” I said. “They’ll be moving me to a private room soon as one is free, and then I’ll be stuck in bed too, at least for a while.”
“You can have this one probably in a few days,” Ben said with little emotion.
“You going home?” I asked stupidly.
“Uh-uh. I’m gonna die real soon if I don’t get a bone marrow match.”

That matter-of-fact comment fairly knocked the wind out of me. He had said it with no more concern than if he’d just announced plans to go to a movie. “Bone marrow match?” I questioned.
“Yeah. I got Leukemia and I need a transplant, but they can’t find a donor with the right blood type. The doc said my blood type is rare and he’s doubtful if they’ll find one in time.”
“Surely they won’t let you die,” I observed.
“Not much they can do about it,” he said with a slight shrug. “Besides, I don’t really mind dying if it means I won’t hurt any more. But you didn’t come here to listen to my problems. Do you like computer games?”

I tried to carry on a conversation with Ben, but it just didn’t work. Finally I gave up pretending and started quizzing him again about his illness. He said he had been diagnosed about a year and a half ago, had undergone two different chemo sessions which hadn’t helped a bit. Finally the doctor had simply admitted him to the hospital in hopes of at least keeping him comfortable. I asked him his blood type, and when he told me I almost fainted. I had just had my blood typed yesterday, and it was the same. “Damn, Ben,” I exclaimed. “We got the same blood type. Maybe I can give you some of my bone marrow.”
“It ain’t that simple,” Ben explained. “There’s other things they gotta match, but they won’t take you anyway ‘cause you’re just a kid. You gotta be 18 to donate.”
“I bet they will,” I challenged. “They won’t just let you die with me sitting here with lots of marrow. I wouldn’t mind sharing some.”
“They won’t let you donate,” he said again.
“We’ll just see about that. I gotta go talk to Dr. Reynolds. You and Tony enjoy your visit, and I’ll be back.”

I literally ran to the nurses station and told them I had to see Dr. Reynolds right away. “We can’t call him right now,” the head nurse said. “He’s not in the hospital. He should be in to see you later today.”
“I gotta talk to him now!” I insisted.
“Just calm down,” the nurse said. “What did you want him for?”
“I can’t tell you,” I said. I knew if they knew the reason, they would just tell me to forget it. So I had to make them think it was an emergency and that it was about me. “I just gotta talk to him right away. It’s important.”
“Well if it’s so important, you’d better tell me what’s the problem and I’ll call him right away.”
“Never mind,” I said. I had just glanced at the clock and realized that Josh would soon be here, so I dropped it. Oh yeah, I had pissed off one of the nurses, and the head nurse at that. But I didn’t care. Fuck her! I heard myself saying in my mind, to no small surprise to myself.

“I’m afraid it isn’t as easy as that, Christine,” Dr. Reynolds said on the phone. As I had expected, Josh had a direct line number that would get his dad even at the office, and had called it instantly when I’d told him the problem. “In the first place, you are only ten years old. They don’t accept bone marrow donors under 18. In the second place, even if you were to overcome all the other obstacles and were a perfect match, which I seriously doubt, you would not be able to donate marrow because you are facing major surgery yourself in just a few days. There’s no way you could donate bone marrow and then have surgery yourself any time soon.”
“So does that mean you’re gonna just let him die?” I accused.
“He’s not my patient,” Dr. Reynolds answered. “But I’m sure they’re doing everything they can to save him. But if you like I’ll check with his doctor and see what’s going on.”
“Please do,” I pleaded. “I don’t want Ben to die. And I certainly don’t want his room if he does.”

“He really got to you, didn’t he?” Josh said as I hung up the phone.
“He’s dying, Josh!” I said in a tone that was accusing, judgmental, and far from kind. “He told me I could have his private room after he died. He’s only ten years old and he’s looking forward to dying ‘cause then the pain will stop. What was I supposed to do?”
“Ok, ok.” Josh said as he put up his hands as a shield from my onslaught. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“No, I’m sorry,” I said as I started to cry. “It’s just... those little guys, I mean Tony and Ben, they’re so brave. I thought I had it tough, but I had no idea. I have always had my mom and dad, and Gail, and... and YOU. Those guys have nothing. Ben’s folks live over a hundred and fifty miles from here and don’t get here very often ‘cause they’ve got a farm to run, and Tony’s family doesn’t care ‘cept for his sister, and she’s got no way to get here.”

“You can’t save the whole world,” Josh said as he hugged me and comforted me. It occurred to me that his comment should be coming from someone at least three times his age, but I knew he was right.
“I know,” I said. “But I just feel so... so guilty. I been feeling sorry for myself for two years now because I got born with the wrong parts, but... I mean... I got so much to be thankful for.”
I know,” Josh soothed. “Maybe it’s good that you spent this week in the hospital before your surgery. Maybe you’ll be a little more cheerful and thankful when the time comes, and my dad says it always helps if the patient is cheerful before surgery.”

There was no opportunity for the mood to get any darker. Just as I was recovering from my crying spell, in bounced Tony, grinning from ear to ear as usual. I will wonder till the day I die how such a black little face could brighten a room like he always did. “Hi, Josh,” he said as if he were talking to someone he’d known all his life, not just one day. “Hey, Christine, you’ll never believe how much you brightened Ben’s day. He couldn’t stop talking about how you’re gonna save his life. Man, you’re somethin’!”
“It kinda isn’t gonna be that easy,” I repeated what Dr. Reynolds had told me. “They won’t let me donate ‘cause I’m not old enough. And even if I was, Dr. Reynolds told me that the chances of a perfect match are so slim it’s probably not even worth testing me.”
“So... does that mean you’re not gonna get tested?” Tony asked. The look of devastation wilted me like nothing I have ever seen in my life.
“I’m gonna get tested,” I heard myself saying. “I don’t know exactly how just yet, but I’m not gonna give up on Ben. He’s not gonna freakin’ die if I have anything to say about it.”

That was all Tony needed to hear. Josh looked at me with a look that was nothing short of terror. “Do you have any idea what you just promised?” he demanded.
“Uh-huh,” I replied. “I’m not gonna rest until I’m convinced that there’s a good reason for not allowing me to donate marrow.”
“But my dad already gave you a good reason. Didn’t he tell you that it would make your operation more risky?”
“So what? ‘More risky’ is a lot better than certain death. I thought you’d understand, Josh.”
“I dunno what I understand anymore, Christine. I’m just real confused. I know you’re nervous and all, but... I dunno, you just seem so... so different.

I found it almost humorous that Josh thought I was different. I had been thinking the same thing about him. Ever since the episode with Uncle Dan, Josh seemed to change so much I hardly knew him. But anyway we sorta declared a truce and went for a walk... well, up and down the halls of the ward anyway. I told Tony that I’d see him after dinner, so Josh and I went down to the cafeteria so I could enjoy my “last meal,” before I went on my fluid diet. “Talk to your dad,” I coaxed when Josh was getting ready to leave. “Please? Make him understand how important this is.”

I spent the rest of the week in the hospital, in perfect health. Well, at least I was in good health when I was admitted. I was placed on a total fluid diet... the closest thing I was allowed to solid food was a small dish of Jell-o every night for dessert. I was given so many injections I felt like a pin cushion, and I was seriously thinking of going about the hospital naked I’d been asked to undress so many times. By the time I was ready for surgery, I didn’t feel feminine at all. I didn’t feel anything but what I imagined a laboratory rat must feel like.

The night before the surgery, Dr. Reynolds came into my room and introduced me to Dr. Cooper, the chief surgeon. They both explained that there would be other surgeons, but that Dr. Cooper would be the boss. “But I thought Dr. Morse was the boss,” I questioned.
“He was responsible for doing the initial screening,” Dr. Reynolds explained. “He decided since your body is so small Dr. Cooper would be a better choice.” Of course he wanted to examine me... what’s new? I lay on my bed, totally naked, and watched with fascination as Dr. Cooper began making marks on me with black magic marker. “Why are you doing that?” I asked.

Dr. Cooper looked at Dr. Reynolds, who said “She’s very inquisitive. I suspect she’d like to watch the whole thing, if you’d let her.”
“Out of the question,” Cooper said. “Normally I allow adults to have a spinal and stay awake if they want, but you are far from an adult, Christine. But I will explain what I’m going to do if you like.”
I told him I did indeed like.

Dr. Cooper said that the first mark would be the initial incision, then he poked his finger very near my butt hole and made an X. “This is where your urethra will be going,” he said. Then without waiting for the question, he explained that girls and women have their urethras exit much further back, which is a good thing since they always sit down to pee.
“I know that,” I said with some disgust. The doctor eyed me curiously, then continued.

“We have to take all the skin off your penis,” he said. “We’ll use it later to help cover up the wound, but if the tissue in your penis is going to bond...”
“Bond?” I questioned. “But I thought I wasn’t gonna have one.”
“You’re not. But you are going to have a labia, and we’ll be using the tissue in the penis to form that. But relax, it won’t look or feel anything like a penis, ever again. Dr. Reynolds told me you really hate those genitals, but I had no idea...”
“I just want ‘em gone.” I said firmly.
“They’re not gonna be gone, honey. But I guarantee you’ll like what I’ve done with them.”

He went on with his description to the point that I was starting to be glad I’d be asleep. “You do realize that you won’t be able to bear children, don’t you?” he asked.
“Yes, sir,” I said. “I can’t now anyway, so I haven’t lost anything.”
“Actually, at your young age, we’re hoping that your pelvis will have a larger than normal opening, perhaps large enough for a small baby, but we can’t be sure. With all the research going on I’m going to be making your vagina extra deep, and maybe one day we’ll figure out how to give you a uterus. But don’t count on it.” I assured him that I wasn’t. I was still at the point in my development that I couldn’t imagine ever enjoying sex anyway, and I knew that sex was a prerequisite to conception.

“After we leave,” he said, “the nurse will come in to prep you. Tonight, I want you to pray to whatever God you believe in, and I want you to think really hard. If you’re not absolutely sure...”
“I’m sure,” I interrupted. “I love being pretty. I love pretty things. I love the way Josh and my dad look at me. I love wearing pretty clothes. I’m so tired of hiding those things. I want to take gym with the other girls, and shower with them, and...”
“Ok,” the doctor said as he put his hand up as if to shield himself from the verbal barrage I had unleashed. I had also started to cry, but I’m not sure he noticed that. “Just think about it, ok? After about 8 in the morning you’ll be asleep, so it’ll be too late. But if you tell me in the morning it’s all off I’ll understand. No hard feelings, ok?”

Dr. Cooper gave me a hug, and Dr. Reynolds kissed my forehead, and they were gone. I wasn’t allowed any dinner, so I lay quietly until about 6 when a nurse I didn’t know showed up with a large tray. “Time to prep you,” she said neutrally. “Are you wearing underwear?”
“No, ma’am,” I answered. “I’m just wearing my nightie”
“You can leave it on, or put this hospital gown on, your choice,” she said. Then as if to break the ice, she added “Frankly, I think I’d leave that pretty nightie on.” It was indeed a pretty nightie. Amanda had bought it for me, for my hospital stay. It was all different colors of blue and green, all sort of blended together. It was made of silky nylon with a second layer of sheer nylon.
“Ok,” I said. She had me pull the nightie up under my armpits as high as I could get it, and then she began to shave me. She covered every square inch of my body from navel to knees. She asked me how long I’d been a girl, to which I replied “Always, I think. But I didn’t know it till two years ago.”

“When I was little,” she said as she pulled my boy parts tight and shaved them, “I remember I used to wish I was a boy.”
“Me too,” I said absently.
“But you could have... I mean, you were born a boy.”
“I was born a girl with boy parts,” I said defensively. “Until I was eight years old I didn’t know what I was, really. All I knew for sure was that I wasn’t a boy. I tried so hard, but it never worked.”

I don’t know why, but one thing led to another and I ended up telling her the whole story. And that’s when she told me that the entire staff, everyone who would be treating me from nurses aides to surgeons, had been hand picked by Dr. Cooper. She said that he wanted to make sure that everyone understood why I was here and why I was doing this, especially because I was so young. “To be honest,” she said, “I really didn’t understand until now. I pride myself on being a good nurse, but I really didn’t understand and really didn’t agree with what they’re gonna do to you until right now.” She’d forgot all about the shaving, and the soapy water all over my groin had dried. She gave me a hug, then soaped me up again and went back to her shaving, and I think she was taking a little more care now.

“Are you nervous?” Dumb question, I thought.
“Yes, ma’am,” I answered. “Actually I’m scared to death.”
“If you’re worried about pain... you’ve got a great team of doctors working on you.”
“No, ma’am. I’m worried that something’s gonna happen and they won’t do the operation. Did you know that girls have a higher pain threshold than boys?”
“But you’re a...” she began, then stopped. “Yeah,” she said, “I did know that. We girls are a lot tougher than they give us credit for, right?”
“Thanks for understanding,” I said, and at last I sensed a friend. “I’m not a boy, but I’m gonna be even less a boy in a few hours.”

By the time my visitors arrived: Mom and Dad, Gail and Aunt Julia, Josh, and Mrs. Reynolds, I was comfortably tucked back in bed with my nightie down where it belonged. Dad took my hand and squeezed it before Josh had a chance. “I’m so proud of you, Princess,” he said. “The doctor told me that it’s still not too late to change your mind, but that isn’t gonna happen, is it?”
“No, sir,” I said. “And Dad, thanks for loving me.”

We all had a good cry then. We made small talk, I told everyone that the doctor had explained in a little more detail than I would have liked exactly what he was going to do, and then the nurse came in and shooed everyone out. “Christine and I still have a couple rather unpleasant chores tonight,” she said. “You’ll all see her in the morning.” So we all said our good-night’s, and they left.

The morning of the big day, I was up early brushing my hair, putting on just a hint of make-up, and trying to look my best. Johnny had come home, which made me feel much better. I knew he wanted to be there as much as I needed him. I thought as I painted my nails how my big brother and I were just as close, maybe even closer, than we’d been when I was Christopher. Our love had never missed a beat.

When I was wheeled into the prep room, I was totally unprepared for the throng that was gathered there. Dr. Reynolds introduced me to a whole gang of doctors he told me would be performing various parts of the surgery. I don’t remember their names because after all I was already under some sort of drug. There was a urologist, a plastic surgeon, a gynecologist, an anaesthetist, and an endocrinologist. Of course I knew what all these specialists do because I’d been studying the procedure for two years. My mom and dad were there, and so was Josh. Johnny was on his way, but they told me he would more than likely arrive some time after I’d been put to sleep.

“We’re going to do the orchiectomy right here,” Dr. Reynolds told me. “I know how much you have hated those things so I thought you might like to be awake when we cut them off. That’ll also mean that you’re a lot less time under anaesthetic, so it’s a lot less traumatic.”
“Thanks, doctor,” I said. “But... if you don’t mind, could Josh wait outside?”
“Josh?” the doctor said with surprise. “I thought for sure you’d want him here.”
“I do, kinda,” I replied. “But... but he’s never seen me like this... I mean he’s never seen me naked, an’ I don’t want him to. I know it sounds kinda crazy, but I don’t ever want him to see that I’m... well... different.”
“Never?” the doctor and my parents all chorused with surprise. I realized for the first time that they had all thought we’d been fooling around. To be perfectly honest, the thought had never occurred to either of us.
“Never!” I answered firmly. “Josh and I respect each other too much for that. Besides, I’m still... I mean, I got the wrong parts.”
“I want to stay,” Josh said. “Can I stay if I promise not to look? I’m not too crazy about seeing them cuttin’ on you anyway.”

I agreed gratefully. I hadn’t thought about the option of his holding my hand but not watching the surgery. I reached for his hand, and he took it as he positioned his chair so that his back was to the action. “This is better anyway,” he said. “This way I can watch your face.”

I watched with complete fascination as the doctor made the first incision. The area was completely numb, so to me it was if they were operating on someone else. I was surprised at how little blood there was at first; but before it was through there was more than enough blood to satisfy me that it was indeed a live person being operated on. As the doctor worked, cutting off various cords and vessels, he commented that he was being far less fussy because I would soon have more invasive surgery anyway, so he just left some of the major vessels clamped until I was in the OR. I didn’t care. All that mattered to me was that I wasn’t going to lose my soprano voice; I wasn’t going to get hairy, and I wasn’t going to have all those yucky wet dreams Josh had told me he was starting to have. As the doctor worked away, I unconsciously began to hum to myself. Josh joined in with his gorgeous mellow voice:

...When you wish upon a star...
...Makes no difference who you are...

“Point of no return,” the urologist announced. “One testicle is off, and I’m about to cut the cords to the second. Right now I can put it back and stitch you up, and you can develop more or less normally as a young man. Are you sure, honey?”

I looked at Josh. He nodded slightly. I looked at Mom and Dad. “It’s up to you,” Dad said. “Just know we love you either way. You were a good son for eight years, and you’ve been a beautiful daughter for two. Whichever one comes home with us, we’ll be proud of you.”
“Cut it!” I said. I’d had no doubt, but if any of the three people I love most in the world had said no, I probably would have backed out.

“No, Wait!” I said as the doctor brought the scalpel to the clamped cords. He paused. “Can... uhhh... Josh, do you wanna do it?”
“But you said...” he protested.
“You can’t see anything anyway because of all the drapes and everything. Do you want to? Please?”

Josh nodded. Dr. Reynolds quickly pulled a rubber glove onto his son’s hand, and the urologist handed him the scalpel. “Right there, son,” he instructed. Josh followed the directions, then sliced through the cord. His forehead was showing beads of perspiration as he looked up at me. “It’s done, Christine,” he said. “You’re free.”

“I’m free!” I repeated. I felt three hundred pounds lighter.
“Free?” I head a voice. “Free from what?” I opened my eyes and saw the kind face of a nurse looking down at me. My hands went unconsciously to my groin. Through the bulky absorbent material of the night diaper I was wearing I could feel that everything was still there. I had been dreaming! I was still in the hospital, and still nothing had been done. “You fell asleep,” the nurse said. “Sorry to have to wake you, but we’ve got to check your vitals before you go to sleep.”

I was no sooner asleep than I was dreaming again. This time it was Tony, or at least an oversized caricature of him. He was standing naked and facing me, blood dripping from his severed penis as he pointed an accusing finger at me. “How dare you cut that thing off!” he exclaimed. “Don’t you think of anybody but yourself? What about me? What about Josh? What about your cousin Gail? What about Ben? Don’t you ever think about anyone but yourself?”

“Yourself....”

“Yourself...”

“You ok?” Tony said as he snuggled close to me. “You were moaning and jabbering something real loud. I thought you were sick or somethin’ so I came and got in bed with you. You ok?”
“Uhhh.... yeah, Tony, I’m ok,” I said when I finally woke up. “I guess I was dreaming.”
“Can I stay for a while?”
“Uh-huh. Stay all night if you want to, but won’t we get in trouble with the nurses?”
“Naw. I used to sleep with Ben lots o’ times before they put him in the private room.”

Tony didn’t ask, didn’t say anything; but I felt his hand slip inside my diaper and down to my privates. “Man, your diaper’s soaked already,” he exclaimed as he held my penis gently.
“Sorry,” I said sleepily.
“It’s ok, I’m used to it. I really love your dick. I wish I still had one.”
“Play with it all you like,” I said, “long as it’s there.”
“Yeah, you already told me I could.” Then I remembered that I had indeed told him he could. I drifted off to sleep again, totally enjoying the sensation of Tony’s very appreciative hand manipulating my very hard little penis.

As soon as I was asleep again, the demons were back. This time it was Uncle Dan, pointing his accusing finger at me. “Ya see?” he was saying. “Christine never thinks of anyone but herself. Christine the great dancer. Christine the wonderful singer. Christine the star student. Christine has it so hard, trying to become something she isn’t. Christine can’t even reciprocate when someone does something to make her feel real good. Christine is content to lie in bed and let a lonely little boy play with the things she isn’t really supposed to have, but God forbid that she make him feel good!”

Something, I don’t know what, woke me. I wasn’t sure if it was the dream, but I didn’t think so. There was something else. Then I heard Tony’s gentle sobs. He was still holding my penis softly, almost reverently I thought. I had gone completely soft again, but still he held it gently. He was crying.

I slipped my arm under his neck and hugged him. “I’m sorry Christine,” he whispered. “I try not to cry ‘cause I coulda died that night, but sometimes it kinda gets me down, ya know? I get so scared when I think of what they’re gonna do to you. What if you bleed to death like I almost did?”
“I won’t bleed to death,” I assured him. “They got all kinds of ways to stop ya from bleeding too much when they’re operating. It’s not the same as just taking a knife and cutting it off, you know.”
“Maybe,” he said doubtfully. “Still, it just seems kinda dangerous to me.”
“I’ll be fine, Tony. I promise.”

“Christine,” Tony whispered as I was drifting back to sleep, “would you do something for me? Please?”
“Uh-huh,” I answered. “What, lil buddy?”
“Would you... uhh... would you touch me like you did last night? You made it feel so good when you did that. You got the softest touch. Please?”

I have thought of that request so many times and marveled at how natural it seemed to me at the time. I wasn’t shocked, nor even surprised. Nor did I hesitate. For a million reasons I can never explain, it seemed a perfectly natural request. It’s almost as if I was waiting for it. So I slipped my hand inside his diaper and began softly manipulating Tony’s little stump. I rolled his tiny testicles between my fingers, pulled gently on his little sac, then fingered his stump again. “Thanks, Christine,” he whispered as he again began to manipulate my little hardon.
“Thank YOU.” I replied. “I love to touch you. Your skin is so soft, and yet I can feel the hardness of your muscles underneath. You’re beautiful, Tony.”

I had not had a single erotic thought and I don’t think Tony had either. To this day I cannot describe exactly what we were doing or why, but I knew that Tony was almost sick with envy that I had what he so desperately wanted but couldn’t have, and I was feeling more and more guilty for planning to mutilate something that my new little friend treasured so highly.

Tony didn’t answer my last comment, at least with words. He snuggled a little closer and kissed my cheek as he squeezed my penis, then went quiet and just slowly fondled me. It felt so incredibly delicious. But even more delicious was the flood of affection that was coming from every pore in his body. It was as if he had stored up all the love that no one else wanted for the past eight years, and he was now releasing it on and around me. I felt his bladder start to empty in my hand, but it didn’t matter. I knew he couldn’t help it, and somehow that made it ok that he was pissing in my hand. I drifted off to sleep again, only to be confronted again by my demons.

Ben and Tony were running through a field full of flowers, hand in hand, laughing and giggling as if they didn’t have a care in the world. They seemed so happy, so healthy. Ben wasn’t the gaunt skin covered skeleton that I’d seen lying helplessly in a bed, he was a live, vibrant, happy ten year old. Then they stopped and hugged each other, then sat down to rest. Ben flopped down on his back, arms stretched over his head, staring up at the blue sky. “I wonder how Christine is doing?” he said to no one in particular.
“Prob’ly ok,” Tony answered. “She has a great family that takes good care of her. She should be fine until we see her again.”
“Maybe we won’t see her again,” Ben suggested.
“We will sooner or later,” Tony said. “Everyone’s gotta die some time. I guess we owe her big time, huh?”
“How you figure?”

“Well,” Tony said as he ruffled Ben’s hair, “if she had gone ahead and donated her bone marrow you’d still be alive, still fighting for your life back in that hospital. Then you’d be alive and I’d be dead, an’ we wouldn’t be together. And if she had got her dad to get me out of that situation with my family, Barry would not have killed me and I’d be alive and you’d be dead. This way we’re together. You’ve got your health back an’ I’ve got my dick back, an’ we don’t hurt any more an’ I don’t ever have to wear diapers again.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Ben reflected. “I hadn’t thought of it that way. I guess this way we’re all happy ‘cause you and I got each other, and Christine got what she wanted. It’s a good thing she didn’t care enough to try harder, isn’t it? We can’t blame her though. She didn’t know that her marrow was a perfect match, an’ she certainly didn’t know that my family was staying away ‘cause they didn’t really want me, not because they lived too far away. No one ever told her that they had abandoned me before I got sick.”

“She coulda found out those things if she’d just tried harder,” Tony pointed out.
“Yeah, but what could she do? I mean, she’s only a kid.”
“I guess so. But sometimes I wonder what woulda happened if she had forgot about herself a little more and tried harder.”

This time when I woke, it was starting to come daylight. I was drenched with perspiration, but Tony was still sound asleep and cuddled so close to me there was nothing between us but our pajamas. Each of us still had a hand, a very wet hand now, inside the diaper of the other. My left arm was still under his neck, and Tony’s free hand was on my head. I hadn’t had enough sleep to even think about, but it didn’t matter. What mattered was what I was going to do now. If I could believe my dream I was a perfect match for Ben’s bone marrow, and I had always believed my dreams. And this one seemed to me to be a message directly from God, telling me that I could, had to, take action. If I didn’t, two little boys would be dead long before their time.

We were still cuddled together when the day nurse came in to wake us up. I had removed my hand from Tony’s groin and gently pulled his from mine, but Tony was still sleeping soundly. “My, my,” the nurse commented as she saw us together, “It seems that Tony has found himself a big brother... er... sister.”
“He was lonely,” I started to explain, thinking that we were in trouble.
“It’s ok,” she said as she gently shook Tony awake. “We’re all just pleased to death that he has found someone to trust. Since his friend Ben was moved into the private room he’s been lost.”

Nothing more was said about Tony sleeping with me. The nurse busied herself getting us cleaned up and ready for breakfast. The other two boys in our room were older and had nothing to do with us, and insisted on doing their own bathing etc, which was fine with Tony and me; it meant we got all the attention. “We’ll have to hurry and get you dressed,” she said to me as she finished with me. “Dr. Reynolds called and told us to cancel all your appointments. He said he’ll be in shortly after 8 and he wants to see you as soon as he gets here.”
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“I have no idea,” she replied. “It’s very unusual and I know Dr. Cooper is gonna be pretty annoyed, but Reynolds is your doctor, so what he says goes.”

To be continued...