Standing in the bathroom of his single room apartment, his heart thumping in his chest, he began to wrap the base of his scrotum in elastic cord as tight as it would go. There was a very uncomfortable amount of pain that came with it like getting kicked in the groin and he began to sweat uncontrollably. But he managed to stave off the pain. He was determined to do this.

When he got to the end of the cord, he tied it off. It was a thin cord and he knew that if he tied the knot with enough complications, it would be impossible to take off without something sharp. He hoped that the cord was tight enough though, that he wouldn't be able to get a knife or a pair of scissors in between. This was hopefully going to be the last time.

All the while he was wrapping the cord to strangle his ball sack for good, he was sprouting a mad erection. This was good as he was going to need his cock flaccid before he began to wrap the next length of cord around the base of it next. Already his scrotum was turning a light purple color and he could feel a bit of pain shooting through his groin legs, and stomach. He grabbed his veiny penis and began to pump it, realizing this was most likely going to be the last time. He had a lot of memories surrounding his cock such as when he first learned to masturbate; he was pretty good at that. He remembered getting oral sex from a woman for the first time, and that felt really good. He remembered when he plunged his erect penis in a woman's vagina for the first time, and much later what the taboo of anal sex felt like as well. He wasn't the most endowed man that he knew dick wise, but he knew how to use his cock to give pleasure to a woman. He wondered how all those women would react if they ever found out how much he had wanted to cut off that penis that had given them so much pleasure. He didn't hate his penis. He didn't even want to lose it. But there was something that had been telling him for years that this was something he had to do.

When he masturbated, he thought of an ex-girlfriend named Sierra Clearwater. She was taller than him and slightly more muscular. But she had long flowing black hair and large voluptuous breasts, and when they were done with sex she held him in her arms. She made him feel comfortable. He had gone down on her a lot. When they had sex, she liked his penis, but it seemed insignificant to the size of her large muscular body. She preferred the oral that he gave her. With that thought he came. He came in the sink of his apartment bathroom. And when he had squeezed the last bit of cum out of the tip of his dick, he jerked off again. He thought of when Sierra asked him to put his cock in her ass. She was the first to ask him for anal. He had been uncomfortable with the idea but she loved it, and he liked the way she squirmed with a smile on her face when he fucked her in the butt. As he came in his memory/fantasy, he came in his sink again in real life. Once more as he squeezed the last of the jizz from the tip of his cock, he masturbated a third time. He knew that this would be the last time. There was nothing left in him after this. He fantasized about what was coming next. Later that night or the following morning being that it was his weekend, he was going to cut off his penis and testicles. The thought didn't leave him as sexually charged as the first two fantasies, but it was just enough that he came for the third time.

When he was completely spent, his balls were dark purple. His cock was completely flaccid from the amount of masturbating. This was the end. He said goodbye to his cock and began to wrap the base in the second bit of elastic cord. When he finished, he tied the cord off the way he had done his balls and gingerly put on his boxer shorts and then his slacks. He had to go to work after all.

Zen worked in a cubicle that involved a lot of one-on-one time with a computer screen and even more privacy from other people. He was somewhat solitary in the break room aside from having small talk with his co-workers. When they noticed he was a little flushed and sweating a lot, he could easily blame a flu that was coming on. This would provide him with more isolation which he desired today above all else. There was a short stretch of panic as Zen had second thoughts. Maybe he didn't want to castrate himself after all. He shut himself up in his cubicle, fighting as hard as he could the urge to drop his pants right then and there and cut off the cords that were killing his genitals away with every passing second.

Instead, he thought of the castration process. He thought of the novelty of the situation. He thought of how this had been going on for so long he couldn't remember when he didn't have thoughts about castrating himself. He took some pain killers and a valium. Not enough to make him sleep, just enough to take the edge off his anxiety. He reassured himself that this would be over soon. He concentrated on his work and soon hours had passed. The pain was subsiding slowly. When he poked the head of his cock through his slacks with a sharp pencil, he thought he would be alarmed not to feel a thing, but instead he found he was excited; even sexually excited. But not sexual through his genitals. It was something else that he couldn't put his finger on.

As he walked home from the office he found Sophie on the street corner waiting for the walk sign. She was an eccentric with frazzled blond hair. She had her septum pierced and always wore striped stockings that climbed up passed the short dresses that she always made for herself. Sometimes she wore glasses, but not today. Her eyes were huge and round. Her cheeks were freckled. Today she carried a brown paper wrapped box under her arm.

"Hi," she smiled when she saw Zen.

Zen unfortunately was in no mental state to comply. He really liked Sophie though, and he wanted her to know that he liked her by not ditching her if she gave him any attention.

"Hello," he smiled, a nervous look spreading across his face.

"Listen, I don't have a lot of time to chat, I've got to run this package to a friend of mine," Sophie said. "But I was wondering if you weren't doing anything the day after tomorrow, if you wanted to hang out with me? I know this nice little diner."

This had been the first time a girl had asked Zen on a date. He was more than enthusiastic.

"Sure, I'd love to." he smiled, trying to ignore the pain that had started back up in his groin. Sweat came from his forehead and he had no choice but to wipe it away or let it sting his eyes.

She waited before speaking and when she did it was subtle but genuine concern. "Are you ok?" she asked.

"I'm sorry," Zen said, "I'm not feeling well at the moment. I'm going home to rest. Hopefully it will be just a passing thing."

"We can cancel if you might be coming down with something. I'll be happy to wait." she offered.

"Oh no, no thank you." he said "I'd really like to have meet up with you. I'm sure I'll feel better by then."

She nodded but didn't believe him.

"I had fast food earlier." he lied.

"Oh yeah," she agreed, smiling finally, "that stuff messes me up every time."

They said their fond farewells as the crosswalk light changed and they agreed to meet each other the day after tomorrow.

Zen rushed home and ran to his bathroom. He dropped his drawers around his ankles. His genitals were a queasy gray color. They had been without blood supply the entire day. He took a safety pin and began poking them around, trying to feel a place where there might be an inkling of feeling left, but to no avail. His cock and balls were dead.

It was getting late and he knew he would not have it in him to do the procedure tonight. Instead he got drunk and passed out watching TV. He could think of no other way that he would be able to sleep. That night he had a dream that his cock and balls had turned into a bird and when he unzipped his pants, they flew away into the sky.

When he woke up, he thought the previous days' experience had been a bad dream. But when he felt his groin and found no feeling in it, he realized that it was all true. That also meant that his date with Sophie was true too. But if he had no genitals, would she still be into him? Would any woman be into him at all once they found out he had no cock to please them with? No seed to make them children? What if from this point on, all women would see him as a freak? he began to feel in a panic again.

He drank a little more alcohol and took one more valium. After that it would be no more chemical comfort. He didn't want to start any bad habits and he had developed none to speak of yet.

He decided to get a wooden cutting board from his kitchen. He would have to throw it out after he was done. It probably wouldn't be at all sanitary.

He decided to take off all of his clothes. He wasn't sexually excited at all but there was something liberating about what he was about to do, and if he was naked, then all the more.

From a drawer he retrieved a large butcher knife. He draped his dead cock and balls over the edge of the cutting board and picked up the knife. He poked the gray shaft of his cock just to make sure one last time that this was going to be painless. Then he placed the blade over the base of his cock and balls. He hadn't taken off the cord. He heard that might be a dangerous thing to do. He wanted to avoid blood poisoning should there be any dead blood that was recirculated back into his system. Instead he cut right after the cord. He pushed the blade down with his palms and rocked it back and forth from side to side as if he were cutting through frozen cookie dough. Within seconds, the blade met the wood. He rocked the blade back and forth a few more times just to be thorough, and then stepped back from the cutting board and away from his severed penis and testicles.

It was an unusual sight. He had been accustomed to seeing that part of his body attached to himself for so long. Now that it was off and sitting there, it seemed like an alien life form. He looked back down at his crotch. There was nothing for the cords to be wrapped around. When he pulled them away, there was a little blood which he dealt with by holding pressure on with a clean towel. He wondered if he was going to have to go to the hospital. He'd heard on the Eunuch Archives of guys who did it. Their most dangerous foe in this situation was always infection.

Zen made sure to keep everything as sterile as possible, but without things like an autoclave, and surgical grade equipment, there was only so much he could do. His best option was to be as careful as he could.

A little while later he donned latex gloves. He had taken some pain medication he had saved up and with shaking hands he rerouted his urethra. He realized he would have to pee sitting down from now on, but in hindsight it seemed like a small price to pay. Women had to do it for their entire lives. It didn't seem terribly inconvenient in that respect.

He then began to stitch his crotch up. He took pride in how well he had done to make his crotch as smooth as it could be. There was a small stitch line and a little hole where his urethra was, and that was it. He dabbed the area with antibiotic cream, and covered it in a bandage. He hadn't had enough to drink that peeing was going to be a problem. He decided that liquids might not be the best thing to consume.

As he reentered the kitchen he noticed his penis and testicles still sitting on the cutting board. They smelled a little off. He found it curious. He decided it would be best to put them in a plastic bag and stick them in the back of his freezer. He then put the cutting board and the knife in a brown paper grocery bag and took them to the dumpster outside his apartment building. The sun was out and he decided it just might be a great day for a walk.

As Zen walked down the busy city sidewalk, he broke out whistling a cheery tune.