“Come see me,” it said, “but come after dark.” It had an address on it.

“See ya,” I said. He left.

“How did school go?” Dad asked.

“Shitty,” I said. “You were right about the pants.” I didn’t like admitting it, but he’d know when I wore the new pants the next day. I had looked at them; they were baggy; nothing I would have worn back home; but I wasn’t about to wear skintites again.

“You know,” said Dad, “perhaps you might want to consider nullification. You might even come to like it.”

“What? Are you crazy? What happened? That’s not what you said this morning.”

“Mr. Jensen, my boss – you met him – said it would be better all around, if you were nullified. He said you won’t fit in, until you were; and he may be right. From what he said, you are the only unaltered boy in town.”

“Let’s leave. Let’s go back to California.”

“We can’t,” he said. “I don’t have a job there, and they won’t pay to move us back. Look…I’ve agreed to be castrated, and I guess, in time, I’ll be nullified.”

“I’m not having my nuts cut off,” I said.

“Look,” he said, “they want you nullified, but maybe – just maybe – if you go in with me and let them cut off your nuts, they’ll leave it at that. I found a doctor in the next town that would do that, just cut off your nuts. At least, you’ll have your dick, and if you make it back to California someday, you can get testosterone. If you do, you won’t even miss your balls. You won’t be able to have kids, but with the way things are, you don’t want to bring a kid into the world.”

“I don’t want to have my fucking nuts cut off,” I said. “You never said anything about that, when you moved us out here. Let’s go back to California.”

“We can’t. Don’t you understand that? We can’t. I spent everything I had to move us here. I’m not going back to California to live on Subsistence. We didn’t even have enough to eat, before I got this job. I’m not giving it up because you want to keep your balls. You’d be better off without them, anyway. You jack off too much.”

“You said jacking off was normal. You did it. You probably still do it,” I said.

“Obviously, it’s not normal around here. Boys in this town don’t.”

“They’re fucking nullified – most of them, anyway; and Joshua told me the ones with balls masturbate.”

“How can they masturbate?” he said. “They don’t have dicks.”

“Joshua told me they stick something up their ass,” I said.

“Does he have balls?” Dad asked.

“Joshua? No, he’s been nullified,” I said.

“Then, how does he know? If they masturbate, I doubt they go around talking about it. It’s against the law to do it. He’s probably just jealous of them.”

“He doesn’t like them,” I said, “but I don’t think he’s jealous of them. He thinks they’re jerks.”

“They’re the sons of the important people in this town – in the church. You’d best make friends with them.”

“I can’t make friends with them,” I said. “They called me a freak. They said I didn’t deserve balls. One of them held a knife to my balls. I thought he was going to cut them off.”

“Maybe once you’re castrated, they’ll accept you.”

“You don’t understand,” I said. “If I go back to school with a dick, one of them might cut it off, even if I don’t have balls. They hate that I have a dick. They want me nullified.”

“Maybe I should have you nullified then,” he said. “We’re stuck here, and we have to get along. We might even have to join the church.”

“JOIN THE CHURCH. You don’t believe that shit. You don’t even believe in God.”

“Maybe I was wrong. It won’t hurt us to go. What if I was wrong? Isn’t it better to believe than to go to Hell?”

“Dad, that’s not you talking. That’s the fucking money. You don’t believe that shit.”

“You’re going to have to start watching your mouth,” he said. “I don’t want to hear you cuss anymore.”

“Fuck, Dad. I don’t believe this shit. First, you want to cut off my nuts; then you want to join the church; now, you want me to stop cussing. You cuss.”

“I’m going to stop, and I want you to stop. It’s time for both of us to turn over a new leaf.”

“OK,” I said, “let me keep my balls, and I’ll stop cussing. I’ll even go to the -,” I had to bite my tongue; I was about to say fucking, “church.”

“Look, Logan…we’re both getting castrated tomorrow, and there’s nothing you can say to prevent it. It’s for the best. You’ll see. I think – once you get used to it – you’ll be happier without balls.”

“I’ll run away,” I said.

“Where would you go, Logan?” he said. “They’d pick you up before you got out of town, and you wouldn’t have a shot at keeping your dick. They’d nullify you for sure.”

“You’ll probably have me nullified, anyway.”

“I won’t,” he said. “I promise. You’ll only have your balls cut off. We’ll have it done the same day. He’s going to do you first. If you don’t believe me, he won’t even knock you out. He’ll use a local anesthetic.”

We argued back and forth. Finally, he said, “It’s going to happen, Logan. You might as well accept it. You can sleep in tomorrow. Our appointment isn’t until ten. You won’t be going to school for a few days.” He shut my door on the way out.

Fuck…fuck…fuck. What was I going to do? I didn’t want my balls cut off; but he was right. I didn’t have any place to go. If I ran away, I probably wouldn’t get out of town. I damn sure wouldn’t make it to California.

I slipped off my sweat pants. Died spunk matted my pubic hair. Joshua had jacked me off a couple more times. Would I still be able to come without balls? OK, so it was better than being nullified. That would really suck; but, shit…I didn’t want to lose my balls.

I pulled off my t-shirt and lay down nude on the top of my covers. Cupping my balls, I weighed them in my hand. They filled it. They were nice balls. I don’t guess I had paid much attention to them, enamored with my dick as I was; but they were nice. They were heavy. I wondered how much they weighed. I wondered what balls looked like outside of their sac.

I pushed my balls up into my body, where they often withdrew, when I was about to come. Holding them there with one hand, I felt my empty ball sac, rubbing the two sides together. So, that’s what it would feel like to have an empty sac. I let my balls slide back into it, weighing them again in my hand. Shit! I didn’t want to lose them.

I jacked off. I’d lost count of the times I’d come that day; I guess I could figure it out; but my heart wasn’t in it. Fuck! I wanted to keep my balls.

We had supper and watched TV for a while. When I tried again to talk him out of having me castrated, he went in his room and shut the door. Later, in my bed, I couldn’t sleep. I wondered if Dad could. He was getting his cut off, too; but he’s old. Hell, at thirty-three, what need does he have of balls? It’s been a couple of years since he had a girl friend, and he might not even jack off, for all I know.

He used to jack off. In the shelter, on Subsistence, we shared a room, and I’d hear him jacking off at night. That’s also how he knew I jacked off: sometimes I’d look over after shooting and see him looking at me. First, it embarrassed me to know he’d seen me, but after I heard him do it, I didn’t care. That’s about when he told me it was normal for a boy to do it.

Now, he’s telling me it’s normal for a boy to have his balls cut off. Fuck…

It was about midnight, when, still unable to sleep, I got up. I either slept nude or wore only a t-shirt to bed. I had a t-shirt on, so I grabbed my sweats, pulling them on. I picked my running shoes off the floor and carried them in my hand down the hall. Dad’s door was closed. I crept past it, down the hall, into the kitchen, and out the back door, careful not to make any noise closing it.

Sitting down on the back steps, I put on my shoes. I was going to Joshua’s house. It was only five or six blocks away. I had his address, and I remembered seeing his street on the way to school.

What was I going to do? I wasn’t really running away; I didn’t expect Joshua to hide me. Despite what he said about the church, he was a member, and how would I know he wouldn’t turn me in? Maybe he, too, was jealous of me, because I had a cock. Maybe he would like to see me nullified.

Anyway, I couldn’t sleep, and I had to talk to someone. When I had awakened, I hadn’t thought it might be my last day to have balls. I still couldn’t believe Dad was having my balls cut off tomorrow.

What the fuck has happened to him? How can he give up his balls and mine for a fucking job? Subsistence was bad; being hungry all the time was bad; but we survived on it; and no one wanted to take our balls.

I headed out for Joshua’s house. I didn’t know what I’d do, when I got there, but I couldn’t just sit around waiting to have my balls cut off.

Fuck…fuck…fuck.