"The Holdenmeyer Self-Castration Device is simply the easiest way to be castrated, Bob!" the television shouted at me. I turned down the volume while Bob, a too-tanned yuppie looking infomercial whore, came on to tell me that the Holdenmeyer Self-Castration Device is simply the best self-castration devices out there, and would be the perfect implement for my castration need.

Personally, I didn't think I had much of a castration need, but the microwave dinged and I went in to get my pizza and some water. I stumbled with it back out to the couch and started eating. "Why don't we show the audience how easy it is?" came the voice of Denise, the chick who had spoken the first time. She looked like a Barbie doll come to life, and appropriately grotesque as a result.

Bob brought a buff, handsome college kid up from the front row of the audience. "What's your name, young man?" Bob asked.

"Uh...Matt," the guy answered, obviously very nervous and not terribly happy to have been chosen.

"Well, Matt, why don't you head backstage so our nurse can shave you, and then we'll show you how easy it is to castrate yourself using the Holdenmeyere Self-Castration Device?"

"Uh...I don't think I want to...," Matt's voice trailed off, but he let the Denise lead him backstage. I concentrated on my pizza, not really paying attention to Bob detailing why the Holdenmeyer Self-Castration Device was better than its competitors. I tried to think if I had ever even heard of any competitors to it...ehh. Who cares? Why would somebody want to castrate themselves, anyway?

I thought about changing the station but now my fingers were all greasy and I didn't want to get the remote that way too, so just left it on while I finished off the first piece and started on the second.

They brought Matt back out wearing nothing but a pair of slippers, and as smooth in the crotch as the day he was born. Any notions of babyhood were quickly dispelled by his rock hard member, however.

"So, Matt, are you ready to see how easily the Holdenmeyer Self-Castration Device can castrate YOU?" Bob screamed at him.

"Yeah, dude, go for it. Chop 'em off," he nodded as he said it, as fake-enthusiastic as the hosts were. It was a weird change of behavior.

"Oooookay!" Bob shouted, and produced one of the amazing devices. It looked like a little plastic oval. Denise slipped Matt's balls through it, tightening the little plastic rings around his sac, and then clipping them down and shut against it, so they looked like eyebrows along the bottom of his cock.

"Now the device is on, all you have to do is release the spring loaded trigger, and the Holdenmeyer Self-Castration Device will both castrate you, and stitch the would closed in one fluid motion! Give it a try!" Bob suggested.

Matt nervously reached down to a button on the side of the oval. The camera zoomed in on his package. Matt flipped the little catch, and then shuddered for just a moment as his balls fell off his cock and into Bob's waiting hand. The device opened up, leaving a short row of stitches along the bottom of Matt's cock, and had even sealed his testicles inside his scrotum with a row of stitches on it, too!

I finished my pizza and wiped my hands off, but before I went to pass out decided I'd take in a joint. I just left the stupid informercial on; the Matt guy was kinda hot...I listened as I rolled the joint.

"You see how easy that was, folks? Just snap it on, push the button, and in no time you'll be a eunuch!" Bob shouted at us, holding Matt's balls in his hand. He dropped his arm down and handed Matt his missing organs.

"But what will they get if they order now, Bob?" Denise "asked."

"Well, Denise, glad you asked. If you order now," Bob began as the number to order from flashed at the bottom of the screen, "you'll also receive the Holdenmeyere Self-Penectomy Device as well! This amazing device allows you to finish the job you started when you castrated yourself, or be used independently!" Bob turned to Matt. "Matt, would you like to use the Holdenmeyer Self-Penectomy Device as well?"

"Yeah, sure!" he answered, still all enthused. His dick was still hard. I lit up the joint and took a long drag, then sat back and let the high come, puffing when it looked like it was about to go out. They got to it pretty quickly this time. The penectomy thing looked like a smooth dildo with a hole in it. They had Matt stick his dick in it, slide it back as far as it could go, then push a button on it. Quick wince, then he pulls it away and pulls his dick out of the thing. They zoom in on his crotch, which has a little cauterized circle left in it where his cock had been.

"See how easy that was, folks?" Bob answered. "If you just can't wait to get castrated, call now, and we'll send you the penectomy kit absolutely free!"

"But wait, Bob. What if they just want a penectomy?" Denise "asked."

I took another drag on the joint and suddenly noticed I had my cock in my hands. Oh, right...I'd fished it out a minute ago, looking at the Matt kid. He looked pretty hot still, even without his junk. Still didn't know why you'd do something like that, though.

"Well, Denise, if you just want a penectomy," he had turned to the audience for the 'you', "then you can order the Holdenmeyer Self-Penectomy Device for the low price of just 79.99 in one easy payment!"

"But why would somebody only want a penectomy?" Denise "asked."

"Why don't we ask some of our satisfied customers?" Bob "asked."

The commercial cut to a montage of various good looking men sitting naked in a chair, their cocks gone, but all with their balls. "I wanted a penectomy and castration," one started, "but I'm a professional athlete, and artificial steroids are banned. Now that I've tried it, I'm happy my penis is gone, and as soon as I retire I know I can castrate myself with the Holdenmeyer Self-Castration Device!"

I started jerking it harder. A kid with the body of a wrestler came on. "I know I want kids someday," he started, "but I didn't want my genitals either. A penectomy is the perfect solution." I pulled on my balls as I jerked it. "I like my testicles, I just wanted my penis gone," a latino guy started. Cut to him standing by a pool, nude. "Since I ordered my Holdenmeyer Self-Penectomy Device, I've never been happier."

They flashed the number up on the screen again. Before I realized it, I was hanging up my cell from having ordered the pair fo the low low price of eighty bucks. Jesus, I was high. The voice that had come out of the small box told me I'd be the proud owner of the Holdenmeyer Self-Castration and Self-Penectomy Kits in four to six business days.

I never really intended to use them. Even when they arrived I unwrapped the package but didn't open the box. I left it out in the living room while I went to cook dinner, and forgot it was there all night more or less. I went to work the next morning and got back around 6, as usual.

After dinner I looked for something to watch on TV while I smoked a joint, but there was nothing on that really caught my eye. As I looked around for a lighter, my eye caught the Holdenmeyer box there on the table...hmmm. It had a videotape, the box said. Guess I could watch that.
I opened the box, pulled out the tape, and popped it in the VCR. Hit play, and lit up... The first few minutes were about like the infomercial. They bored me, so I pulled the castration thing out of the box and took a look at it. I pulled all the cellophane off and there it was.

It looked like a metal and plastic ring, mostly flat, and the inside was split open a bit with just a glint of light where the blade poked slightly out. The outside had grips with the trigger on it.

I looked back up at the screen to see a handsome young stud putting the device around the neck of his scrotum. Apparently that was all there wasy to it - put your balls through the ring, release the safety, and push the buttons. The dude on screen winced a bit and held up his balls, that perfect row of stitches down the bottom of his cock.

What the hell. I whipped my cock and balls out, just to see what it would feel like to put my balls in the ring. I slipped them through, and then just lay it on my crotch, looking at it. My balls, right there, and they could be off with the push of a button. I gripped the handles again, just to get a feel for it...

...and my attention went to the TV again. A college football team, it looked like, all holding the rings with their balls poking through. Down the row, each of them push the button, the guy furthest from the camera first, and as the camera pulled back their balls just fell off, all in a row, one by one, and then...ooh!

I must have bumped the blade into my sac, it stung a little...I looked down. Uh oh, I thought.

Somehow I had pressed the button while I was watching the video. Holy shit. I'd castrated myself!

I reached down and pulled my cock up. My balls, still in their sac, rolled further down a bit, and I pulled them out with my other hand. I could feel them through my sac. It was warm; it fel just like it was when it was on me, except I couldn't feel anything from it now. I played with them for a minute or two, then put them down. My cock was really hard....that was so awesome, playing with my own nuts. I picked them back up and started just fooling with them in one hand and jerking myself off with the other. I'd drop them on my chest and let them roll down over my abs to my dick again. I put them in my mouth. I held them up to where the used to be...all kinds of shit, until finally I blew a load.

My cock was still hard after I wiped off. The video had continued on to the penectomy part, and now they were showing it used on various guys. Some had been castrated already, some not. I looked at the penectomy device on the table next to me. Nah, I said to myself, and rolled up a joint.

I sat their naked on the couch, legs spread apart, dick flopped down between my legs, still twitching every once in awhile as I took a hit. It came back to the football team, all castrated, all rock solid, their cocks coming off one by one. The pair of hands slid the hard dick up to the hilt in a plastic sleeve. The push of another button, and the hands lift the sleeve away and pull out the guy's dick, cut right off and sealed up nicely.

"Fuck it," I said out loud. I'd already castrated myself, right? I unwrapped the penectomy device and slid it over my own cock, still hard as a rock. I rewound the tape to the football players...it was so fucking horny watching all those hot guys' cocks come off, one at a time. The hands came down the row, leaving crotch after smooth crotch behind them.

The hands came closer to the camera, the cocks came away, until the guy right in front, and then... "Ah!" I cried out, squirting my load into the sleeve as I pushed the button, and felt the momentary pain as my dick was separated from my body.

I pulled the device away and stared down at my groin. Perfectly smooth but for the little tiny hole to piss from. I unlocked the penectomy sleeve and pulled my cock out. There it was, still hard as a rock, a bit of cum dribbling out the tip.

I played with it a little, stuck it in my mouth, up to my ass, but eventually got bored and lay it down on the table next to my balls, which had grown cool and stiff.

That was where my roommate Stu found me half an hour later. He walked in to find me naked and high on the couch, the castration and penectomy devices next to me on the couch, and my genitals lying on the table next to a roach.

His eyes betrayed a brief moment of surprise, but he recovered quickly, smiled, and said, "So you actually used that thing, huh?"

"Yeah, man. It's crazy," I said, rubbing my crotch.

"Looks hot." I could see the front of his jeans getting tight.

"I think they're reusable."

Five minutes later, another cock and pair of balls lay next to mine on the table.